I had a breakthrough in therapy today. I mean, I knew this, but I didn't KNOW it. Ya' know?
I have value. Value that doesn't disappear with the slightest rejection.
My worth is not determined by other people.
This one was hard, so I will say it again.
My worth is not determined by other people.
I thought I knew this, but it's like a fog settles over my brain and the clarity, the real beauty of my landscape, becomes softened, blurry, and sometimes, impossible to see. I have all of this messaging that I carry around inside of me because of all of the shit I have survived in my life. Messages like "If the people around me (mainly people I look up to or see as authority in some way), are mad at me, it must be my fault. I must have messed up in a big way."
The messed up thing is not that people get mad at me sometimes, it's the belief that in every little way that I feel like I don't measure up, every little way that I have compared myself to others and found myself lacking, all come rushing in. It's not that I messed up that one part of a project, it's that I am so deeply flawed, that I will never be good at anything, and everyone BUT me knows this When people are nice to me, they are faking it because they want something from me. And I experience this abandonment and rejection trauma over and over again not just with constructive criticism, but with every change in body language, tone of voice, facial expression and sigh. I not only not recognize that this is happening to me, but I automatically do it. My brain and body become hijacked by it, and I will ruminate and play it over again and again trying to discover how I messed up so I can fix that flaw within myself. Because if I fix all of the things wrong with me, someone might love and respect me.
My therapist gave me a key to my cage today, and it's something I have been trying to believe and integrate. But the fear of being "high and mighty" "too good" "on my high horse" "thinking I am better than everyone" etc. is very real. I don't want to be that person. But the thing is, it's not about me.
It's not about me. This is the lesson I am really learning and trying to integrate right now. I mean really integrate it, alchemizing the old outdated beliefs that I have been carrying. It's not about me. None of my abuse was about me. Not a single bit of it over my entire life. I never did anything to deserve any of it. I hold some accountability for the positions I have put myself in as an adult, and the ways that I have made unhealthy choices for myself, and how I showed up for others in my past. But I'm not talking about that. I am saying that the shitty ways people have come at me, is a reflection of their internal worlds. It had nothing to do with me. And trying to fix their issues with me, by trying to mold myself more into the image that I think they want to see, only serves to hurt myself further. It robs me of sanity, joy, and even purpose. It doesn't make me better at anything, but rather is a slippery slope of anxiety and depression.
This has been a lifetime of being the scape goat, the whipping boy, and dumping grounds of others that I now have to heal, and re-write. I wasn't lacking. They just couldn't see me through their own shit.
The thing is, not everyone is deserving of contact with me, not everyone will appreciate the gift of me, and that's ok. It's ok, because they are not on the same path as me. They have their own paths, with their own lessons, and their own new teachers to meet. My path, my journey, my message is my own. It has it's own value, as do I.
I appreciate the reminder of my worth today. May I carry this torch to bring light to the darkness and burn away the fog before it settles in.